Who's Really in Need of Saving?
by SilentTurtleX
Summary: Completely devastated from a tragedy, Ash slowly loses himself to the guilt. New feelings and thoughts, once repressed, emerge, now challenging his beliefs. It becomes too much for him, and he realizes that there is only one solution for his problem. Warning: Character Death.


**Good afternoon everyone, it's the Turtle here with my first one-shot. I've been reading Advanceshipping stories for over two years now, so I decided it was time for me to throw my hat in the ring and write a one-shot. I've just now realized my goal of writing stories. However, I'm kind of lazy when it comes down to writing, and usually always busy, but I'll try my best to write more one-shots.**

 **I'm kind of blabbering on now, when I'm nervous (which is now) I tend to do that. Yeah, sorry about that. Anyways, enough of my talking-enjoy the story.**

 **Warning: Character Death.**

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All he could was run, through the silent crowd of mourning guests, through the doors of a gym that once held so much joy and hope, and into an endless wave of the pouring rain. That was all the young man could do, run away from the guilt which had tormented him, find a place of solace away from the onslaught of accusations and screams. Nothing would change his mind, even as his temperature began to hastily drop and irrationality possessed his thoughts, blame and despair clouded his heart.

 _Solace_ , could he be any more selfish. Of all people, he deserved only a constant reminder of the pain inflicted on those around him for being a _murderer_. It was true, all of it, the young man thought as he continued to run away from it all. Tears, which burned and stung his cheeks, had cascaded down the boys face like a broken dam.

It was deserved, he believed, to feel this type of agonizing pain. In a way, it was fair. How could he so callously consider begging for forgiveness? _Nothing_ could ever make up for his greatest failure, and since the _tragedy_ , a piece of his soul was lost forever.

The winds, now comparable to that of a powerful gust, were beginning to take its toll on the broken trainer. Each footstep felt like walking on sharp knives, but he had to keep moving and get away. Maybe, just maybe, there was a small chance of redemption that is _if_ he was willing to…amend the _death_ of which he had shamefully caused, by going back to that _place_.

A surge of adrenaline, fueled by a dangerous mixture of fear and self-hatred, had urged the boy to run faster. Those haunting voices, no matter how hard he tried to ignore it, continued to echo in the back of his mind, eliminating anything but guilt and blame. It felt like an eternal prison or a well deserved hell, he would repeat over and over.

" _Come on, Ash! We're almost there!"_ No, no, no, _no_ , why did it have to come to this? Like a broken record, Ash slumped onto his knees, head buried in his arms, repeating the one single phrase. The rain had continued to pour on, with the sounds of thunder roaring in the distance and the environment completely changing.

There were no traces of life, kind of ironic in a way, nothing but drenched trees and filthy mud. But it made sense, in his current state of distress, everything pointed to the only logical solution. What must be done to redeem himself and leave the anguish _behind_? Abandoning all logic, the last shred of reasoning was tossed to the side–maybe by doing this everything would go back to normal. As his eyes closed for a brief moment, considering and analyzing every possible option, the reasonable solution was to end it all and appease his suffering.

"I-it's only fair," he mumbled between sobs.

Prior to his revelation, the rain felt like a fiery, chemical substance. Each droplet, upon landing on his exposed body, burned quite painfully. But now as he continued to kneel on the wet surface, it felt truly refreshing, providing a momentary relief. And with it all, he felt sick to his stomach, a _murderer_ deserved only eternal suffering. How could he be so selfish, so cruel to the victim's family?

" _It's just over that cliff, near the riverbank! Come on, Ash! You said would take me!"_

Like a river, the water would continuously flow in one direction. Nothing would stop that, even if an obstacle was set on the path, eventually it would return back to normal. This was no different, only lasting seconds, as predicted, Ash returned back to his depressing state. Clenching his fist tightly to form a ball, in which the nails dug deep into his skin. Blood began to seep out from his cuts, and the pain was deserved, he thought. Ash began to cry once more, it was all he could do, the only thing he was capable of doing.

 _Why didn't I save you?_ Ash thought. _I_ _should have saved you, b-but I didn't._

Pressing his teeth together in anger, he began to pound his fist onto the ground beneath him. This is what they wanted, right, for Ash to understand how it felt to lose their child, but instead of emotional pain, it was physical.

The concept of death, once believed to only apply toward the elderly or very ill, had claimed the life of someone with a bright future, a person that never fulfilled their dream or got to see the rest of the world. It wasn't right, and, guilt returning once more, at the end of the day it was all Ash's fault.

And _take_ he did, Ash took the life of an innocent person, someone close to him, someone that had looked up to him as both a mentor and an inspiration. Looking toward the ominous sky, Ash selfishly repaid their kindness with a 6 foot deep hole in the ground. That's life for you, an unjust system, in which only people that are optimistic and hopeful _suffer_ , while the wicked are allowed to walk freely.

Not this time, having made up his mind earlier, Ash categorized himself as one of these wicked individuals. If the world could be free from at least one _monster_ , then somehow, the wrongs would be outmatched by the good of the world. Was it right for him to make a decision so boldly, and without the response of anyone else?

" _You're getting slow, I've been here less than a minute and I already spotted a Gyarados!"_

The week had been too long for any person, a mixture of grief and exhaustion fueled by the loss of innocence morphed confusing emotions into violent actions and hurtful accusations. Because of this a different side of people emerged, once hidden in the dark corners of every persons mind, practically screaming for freedom and when given the opportunity, it would be unleashed.

"I'm sorry," Ash said quietly, holding back tears. "I'm so, so sorry."

Managing to stand up with what little strength he could muster up, the promise to make things right provided motivation (albeit a rather dark ambition) and so Ash began to run once more. Adrenaline coursed through his veins, the sounds of water pouring bothered him not, as _those_ claims echoed throughout his mind.

His greatest regret was near, where _it_ happened, one by one, a surge of memories swirled in a chaotic manner struck Ash with enough force to stop him. Everything looked so familiar, the path covered with old stones, the strange group of leafless trees that gave him a view of the riverbank and the haunting sounds of a nearby waterfall. It all led him to the very spot where he failed miserably.

" _Thanks for bringing me here, Ash. I've never seen a place with so many different types of water Pokémon before."_

 _Go on you selfish coward, face your retribution_ Ash thought. All he wanted to do was rectify his one sin, in order to start his rightful damnation. Why was he suddenly frozen in fear?

His sobs were the only thing making any noise, everything else fell onto deaf ears, and these false tears cascaded down his face dripping onto the ground. He could cry all day on the topic of his guilt, endure pain no human should, but still had the audacity to show hesitance. This was beyond selfish, a voice in his head would point out, this was _cruel_.

" _Haven't you done enough, Ketchum? Showing your face here is bad enough for the Maple's, but trying to act like this isn't your fault is taking it too far," Drew spat, his voice laced with venom._

Ash knew that everything said toward him was deserved, it must be true if they all think so, he must have known the risks. From what was yelled at him, it was forbidden for trainers of any experience, even with Pokémon by their side, to swim in the river–let alone be near it. The unpredictable stream of water was deemed too dangerous, as the current would instantly turn from a calming flow into a powerful torrent in a matter of seconds. Anything near the area would be consumed by the flood…yet, he still suggested going there.

 _Stupid, stupid, stupid_ Ash screamed internally, thumping his forehead with a clenched fist. _Why didn't I save you? Why couldn't I save you!?_

The storm had worsened, the water reached up to his ankles now and winds were strong enough that trees would topple over. Ash felt unaffected by everything going on around him, his world was shattered days ago, a sense of security replaced with anguish and his ledger now tainted with the blood of someone close to him. In the distance, he could see an overflowing amount of water trailing on the riverbank. It was now or never, the former being more tempting. As his right foot moved one step closer to his punishment, then his left foot made its way forward and so on.

 _Whoosh._ Each step felt heavy, the sounds of _that_ waterfall clear, a jet of high-pressured waves crashing into the riverbank. Near the opening, which led toward the river, an old warning sign leaned sideways; it barely managed to get the attention of anyone. However, Ash noticed the washed-out, rusted message imprinted on it: **Keep Out! Do Not Enter! Unsafe, Due To Unpredictable Pattern!**

Why was this the first time since finding this location that he actually seen this sign? Did that stop him the first time, or every other instance? Of course not and why is that, because Ash's thick skull prevented him from seeing dangerous situations. In a moment of sheer ignorance, he thought it would be such a good idea to bring someone with him, promising a chance to capture powerful water Pokémon.

The waterfall brought back those memories, it kept getting louder and louder. Ash felt like he was going to become deaf, it was too much. He felt so numb, his surroundings turning blurry and his mind losing its concentration. _We should bring ever…hey Ash, do you hear that?_

Like the river, which now was carrying large amounts of water at a rapid pace, the guilt sent the broken trainer to his knees while tears forcefully spilled out of his eyes. "It should have been me!" he screamed, referencing the waterfall. "You didn't deserve to die like this! It's all my fault, you trusted me a-and I couldn't save you in time! I never meant for this to happen! I'm so sorry, I failed you."

In his weakest moment, the confession allowed for some of his pent up agony to be released. But it didn't help, not much anyway, he felt so scared, so broken. Ash was too consumed with his grief that he failed to register a voice calling his name or even notice a hand on his shoulder.

"It wasn't your fault," a voice said. "I know you Ash, and you wouldn't allow a single one of your friends to get hurt, let alone die! Please, let's get away from here before you're dragged into the river."

"It _is_ my fault, just let me die," Ash begged quietly. "I don't deserve your compassion, not after what I've done."

There was a silence that followed Ash's request, even if he was not impacted to the same degree as Norman and Caroline, the parents, the death hit him hard enough. In the wake of the funeral, something clicked in Ash's mind. How many times, since the start of his journey, has he put his friends' lives at risk?

Norman was right, about everything, he was just a _reckless_ brat that preferred a stupid title over the people that made him who he is today–prior to the tragedy. Caroline was right, it was his fault and no one else's, when she called him a _murderer_ , the mother of one (a horrible feeling in saying one, instead of _two_ ) had labeled him correctly. Hell, Drew was right, even if it pained him to agree with that arrogant jerk, but he was _selfish_. Of all places, especially at a funeral, Ash thought it would be an appropriate time to apologize, forgetting the fact that they were already devastated. Showing his face there was bad enough, yet he had the nerve to talk to them and explain his side of the story.

There's a time and place for everything, and that wasn't it. Deep down, those accusations hurt only because they were true.

"Don't you see, if it weren't for my big mouth, none of this would have happened," Ash vented, looking up toward the person with blood-shot eyes. "It hurts because I know I can't do anything to make the pain go away, or fix this. I-I just want to make things right."

 _Ash! I'm scared, Ash! Help me, please! I can't hold on to this rock any longer, I'm slipping!_

"Oh, Arceus," he mumbled, his bottom lip quivering. "I really tried, but every time I got near him the currents pushed him farther from me. Until finally…I just couldn't see him anymore. I'm so sorry, May. I failed you both."

May, in tears from his confession, gently stood Ash up and took him away from the riverbank. This was the only chance to save him from himself, it was obvious that the Ash she once knew, the one she loved, was still there but needed time to recover from the trauma. Her hand never left his, she stopped walking and turned to face him. May wrapped his arms around her waist and followed suit with her arms wrapped around his back. Ash had been exposed to the harsh weather for over an hour now, his temperature was dropping, his skin felt cold.

"Shh," May said, as she nudged his head over her shoulder so he could rest for a bit. "I miss my baby brother, too. We can cry together, okay. It hurts so much just knowing t-that he's gone forever, but I know he's in a better place now."

Her voice was soothing, it provided comfort, and her words were able to calm him down. But not enough, the guilt was still there, fresh in his mind. Those accusations felt like sharp knives and Ash wondered if she meant every word. "B-but, what about your parents or Drew? I caused them a lot of suffering, you have to believe me May, I never meant for any of this to happen."

"My parents are mourning the loss of their only son, my baby brother, Ash. I heard what they said to you, none of it is true. Their emotions got the better of them, it may take days to heal from a physical wound, but when it comes down emotional trauma that can take months, even years. Just like you and me, it's going to take time. As for Drew, I can't really explain that but people have different ways in showing their grief."

They held onto each a little longer, wanting to avoid the topic by any means necessary, they enjoyed the embrace quietly. It was hard to tell from the rain, but May and Ash were crying heavily. Max's pleas for help haunted Ash's mind, as a result, he squeezed May a little too tight. This caught her attention, and she noticed him visibly shaking. The fact that she found him moments before he committed suicide, it was too much for her to put into words.

"Ash…" she paused for a second, trying to figure out the best way to bring up the topic in a manner that was understanding and provided no offense. After a minute of coming up with ways to talk about his coping mechanism, and staring into brown eyes, she figured a gentle approach. "…I know how close you were to Max, which is why you were so devastated by his death. You saw him as a little brother, didn't you?" In response, Ash simply nodded and she continued from there. "When we split ways in Kanto, Max would cry about how much he missed you and wanted to go to Sinnoh to be with you, but I knew you were busy and I was too busy in Johto. He would go on about wanting to be by your side, the moment your dream came true. But I knew that wasn't just it, I managed to get the real reason why he wanted to see you–he told me that you were the brother he always wanted."

Wiping the tears away from his face, Ash stood there surprised as he took in all this information. "He told you that?"

May nodded, deciding that it would be a good time to continue the story and make her point loud and clear. "I promised him when he turned 10, which was the following year, we would have a journey just the three of us," she said, not realizing the meaning behind her words. It hit her that Max's tenth birthday was last week, and the promise could never be achieved. "Ash…he looked up to you as a brother and a hero. I told him countless stories of all your heroic actions like with Manaphy, even Misty mentioned a time or two, where you saved a Pokémon or person. The point is that Max knows how much you care about your friends, how you're willing to do anything to keep them safe–even if that means sacrificing your own life, but not like this. He wouldn't want you to die from a broken heart, out of blame. Max would want you to continue on with your life, make something of yourself…if you really want to rectify this guilt, don't give up on life."

She was emotionally and physically exhausted, speaking from her heart required a lot of energy. Her eyes were still red from all the crying, and to be honest, there would be a lot more crying in the future–this was just the beginning. May stared deeply into Ash's eyes, which were also red, and she hoped for a positive answer. At the end of the day, it was his choice and she planned to be there every step.

"Y-you're right," he whispered, staring back into her eyes. "Max will always be my little brother, and I just can't abandon the impact he had on my life. Killing myself wouldn't be fair to anyone, especially you May. Even though the pain hurts beyond anything imaginable, I…we have to endure and pull through this together, not just to move on with our lives or accomplish our dreams, but to make Max proud and leave his mark on this world. For Max."

"For Max," she said, crying softly. "I hope you're looking down on us, Maxie. We love you, please rest easy."

They hugged each other one final time, before heading back. The couple knew the long journey ahead would be a difficult one, with tears, sweat and blood being involved. Ash's path to recovery would be especially difficult; his demons left a deep infliction in his heart. May held him tightly during the whole trip back, knowing full well how damaged Ash was. She realized something that frightened her, not including countless memories of Max, she noticed how vulnerable this made him.

Who was going to save him, when he is the one in need of saving?

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 **A/N: Wow, looking back when I was writing this one-shot...I don't remember making it that sad. Huh, I guess that's what happens when you listen to The Offspring, it fuels your creative side (in my case, it was sadness). This is just one of many stories coming in the near future, I've also been working on a full-fledged story, but that needs more time to be fleshed out and fixed. In the back burner alone, I've got at least two more one-shots being worked on as we speak, another being more of a short multi-chapter fic involving Ash and May's wedding.**

 **If you haven't guess yet, I'm an Advance shipper through and through. So yeah, sorry to any of you Contest shippers out there. I meant no disrespect toward any of you, if you consider the small scene as Drew bashing, then I apologize for that.**

 **But yeah, there you guys go. What did you think? It was my first angst story, let me know what I did wrong and could do in the future to improve my format. Until then, have a good day!**


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